positive

July 17, 2014

Four tests in a month and a half, none of which Stephen knew about, all of which were negative. You guys, my hopes were high. See, we knew we wanted a baby in 2015, but we'd be spending 4 weeks at the beginning of the year in Seattle and moving to who knows where and starting residency in June, so there was a little planning involved. We knew that no matter when our baby came, we would be thrilled and we would make it work, but if we could control it, a little, make some hard situations a little easier, well we were going to try. So, we decided we'd start trying in June, giving us a March baby, and if we didn't get pregnant, essentially, right away (in the first three months) we'd hold off for awhile and try again in the winter so the baby would be born in the fall, after the craziness of residency had settled down a little. I had convinced myself that I was ok with that plan - I had always wanted a fall baby, anyway. But when it came time to try, I became desperate to get pregnant right away. I was ready. And, therefore, a little paranoid. I was overly hopeful. And every test I took (each time way too early) made me scared that God's timing wasn't our timing.

When I started to get headaches and cramping and a little nauseous and so tired and started peeing all the time, I honestly thought I just wanted to be pregnant so bad that my body was starting to act like it. Surely it was too early to be getting these symptoms? It took everything in me to not go out and buy a pregnancy test a week(s) before my missed period. I didn't want to go through the disappointment of reading another negative sign, because surely it was going to be negative. Four days before my missed period my sister convinced me. I was honestly feeling hopeful and excited, but trying desperately not to. It was too early. But, I threw Uriah into the car and literally ran into the store.

I bought a pack of two knowing it was going to say negative because it was too early. I would just take the test again in five days.

Just like when I found out I was pregnant with Uriah, the test immediately started to fill in the negative line. I tilted the stick in every direction trying to catch any sign of a vertical line in the light. It took a long time, but right at the end of my hope I started to see a faint line. It was faint, but it was there. My body may be able to fake pregnancy symptoms from hope, but my body couldn't fake hcg levels. I was pregnant. I screamed and sighed and laughed and cried and when Uriah came running into the bathroom worried about momma, I smiled and assured him they were happy tears. His smile and hug made me cry all the more. I get another one. I get to do this again. I get to give him a baby sibling.

Stephen was coming home in the next few hours, so once Uriah was down for his nap I tried to clean the house up a bit. It seemed appropriate to have a clean house with dinner on the table when Stephen got home. I wrote a little note "to Daddy" that said "I'm going to be a big brother!" on the inside and was going to have Uriah give it to Stephen when he came home. I had it sitting on the dining room table with a few things Uriah had picked up from the park earlier that day for daddy, waiting for Uriah to wake up. He was still sleeping when Stephen got home and I was trying so hard to keep it all in that I forgot the note was on the table. After he'd put his stuff away and I attended to the dinner some more, I saw him pick up the note on the table... I couldn't see Stephen, I just saw the note lift, open and fall to the table as he came around the corner with shock and excitement on his face. With a silly smile plastered to mine we hugged and cried together. "Really?!" "Really?!" "You found out so early!" "Oh my gosh!" "We get to have another one!" "We're going to have a baby!" "We're going to be parents, again!" Wiping away each other's tears we danced around the kitchen together in excitement. And in total disbelief that it happened so quickly for us. We'd only been trying for two months, and this was actually our first real shot at it since I was in Oregon when I was most likely ovulating the first month. We are so lucky to be pregnant at all, but at the most perfect time for our family... Disbeief and extreme thankfulness for His timing. There is always a reason, a purpose and a plan.

After returning from Seattle mid February, our baby is due April 1st, a month and a half before graduation and three months before moving. This is exactly what we hoped and prayed for and I can't believe it's really happening.

To read Uriah's "positive" post, click here