I knew I was pregnant even when the test said negative. I couldn't wrap my head around it - it was our first go at it, after all - and was hesitant to get my hopes up, but I was cramping and bloated and light headed and well, I just knew.
I think regardless of how much or little planning goes into a pregnancy, there is a certain amount of shock and awe at finding out. And feeling pregnant didn't take away from that - I was still so surprised to see a plus sign on that stick!
I wish I would have sat down to write this sooner, as I love looking back at pregnancy posts from my others and the details are already starting to fade. But for my future self, I wanted to record what I can remember from these first 20 weeks (I'm already 20 weeks!?)
- - - - - - - - - -
With Ezra, I found out I was pregnant at 3 weeks along and was sick exactly 7 days later. The boys, however, have blessed me with an extra week of keeping food down, so it wasn't until I was 5 weeks along that I started to reap the side effects of pregnancy.
For a solid two weeks I didn't eat anything but small bites of buttered toast and Saltine crackers. I forced the big kids into two hour quiet times while Judah napped and every day and by 1:00 I was asleep in bed. The rest of the day I was on the couch ;)
Things slowly started to improve when I hit 7 weeks and I think by 10 we were doing school again in the mornings and were back to our normal social schedule, though I was still in bed while Judah napped. This pregnancy has been easier than my others in terms of sickness, but my energy has been much lower in comparison. Which could be explained by the three extra kids I'm feeding and teaching and cleaning up after and entertaining and following around... ;)
Now, at that half way point looking back at the start of this pregnancy, I feel as though I've got rose colored glasses it. I don't remember it being that bad...? But I also remember thinking I could never do this again. I remember crying, a lot, and falling asleep on the floor and not knowing how I would make it past bedtime. I remember my stomach cramping so hard I couldn't get out of the fetal position and I remember pulling maternity leggings out of their storage box at 6 weeks because my stomach was too sensitive to be touched by a regular waistband. I think the rose colored glasses come from knowing this is our last pregnancy.
We started debating whether or not we'd have more kids a few weeks into my pregnancy with Judah. Three was our nonnegotiable. Four was a question mark. It felt extremely risky and scary getting my IUD removed, still unconvinced the day of the appointment that we should have another. But sometimes God answers prayers in a round about way, and we took His lack of intervention as the ok to go ahead. We prayed and prayed over this baby and while God never shouted "YES!" back at us, He never once said "no", either. And now that we're here, it feels so right. And it feels final. (I mean, never say never, but we're calling this baby our grand finale!) So while the side effects of pregnancy have always been present and often times debilitating for me, it's bitter sweet knowing this will be the last time I go through this. As horrible as it can be in the first trimester (and again in the third) I know first hand what this miracle brings and the joys to come. I know that all these lasts we are about to experience with this new baby will be extra hard on my mama heart, but all the more sweet and beautiful because of it.
- - - - - - - - -
After my first ultrasound at 9 weeks, we finally told the kids! We kept them up late so Stephen could be there, so while their reactions were sleepy ones, they were excited and sweet ones! Judah, obviously, has no idea what's going on and said "no" to anything regarding baby for the first 14 weeks or so. Uriah immediately started asking questions and connecting the dots ("Is that why you've been so sick?!" Is that why you can't jump on the trampoline?!") while Ezra just stared at the ultrasound, smiling, a bit embarrassed by the attention. I was happy to finally be able to share it with them and get them used to the idea and to be able to talk about it out loud!
- - - - - - - - - -
The first trimester didn't pass by without it's worries and glitches, though, as they seem to get "bigger" and more frequent the more pregnancies I have. I spotted several times before 11 weeks and knowing it's common and often inconsequential didn't do anything to still my fears and worries. I texted my nurse friends more than once looking for peace of mind, trying to see if I was "waiting out the storm" or "waiting for the other shoe to fall." The night before I turned 12 weeks was the worst of them all and will, I'm sure, forever be sealed into my memory. I went to the bathroom before bed and was met with a bloody surprise. It was everywhere. I couldn't stand up without it dripping all over the floor and I just kept wiping clot after clot. My clothes were stained, the toilet was a mess and I was in shock. I sat there in my blood, Stephen holding on to me, both of us sobbing. We assumed the worst. Surely, it was too much blood not to be. I didn't sleep a wink that night and discovered in the morning that my bleeding had slowed to spotting. I had an ultrasound scheduled for Monday anyway, so we decided to wait out the rest of the weekend. Stephen was working and it was just easier than trying to find last minute child care while I waited in L&D for hours.
Obviously this story ends well, as come Monday morning his sweet little heartbeat was the first thing we saw on our ultrasound (well, the second thing we saw!) It was such a relief, to say the least. It washed over me like a wave and I cried through the whole ultrasound. I don't know why I ever expected subsequent pregnancies to be any less special, been there, done that, I guess, but honestly, it just keeps getting better. Every appointment, every ultrasound... it's also so much more magical having experienced it before.
- - - - - - - - - -
That 12 week ultrasound was also when we found out he is... a he! We planned on finding out the gender after I miserably waited until birth with Judah and didn't care for the experience one bit! Ha! But we never expected to find out so early (Stephen ruled out the 9 week blood test when we found out it wasn't covered by insurance and would cost us an arm and a leg!) When she put the probe on my belly to find the baby, I saw what I thought might possibly be a penis... But she moved so quickly I figured surely I was wrong. I didn't see his reaction, but Stephen shot up his finger at the quick glance to mimic a penis, automatically thinking boy as well! After we saw the heartbeat, the tech asked if we wanted to know the gender, meaning she already knew it herself, too! She circled back to that first bum shot and sure enough...!
Stephen picked up a batch of blue balloons on his way home from work that night and I had the kids waiting out in the front yard for him, the boys in their matching blue jammies and Ezra in her pink version. It took them awhile to figure it out but neither of them were complaining! Uriah wanted another boy to "play Legos with" and Ezra, while she initially had wanted a baby sister, had decided that being the only girl would be better ;) And with their age gap being the closest, I was happy for Judah to have a little buddy in a little brother.
I'm not going to lie, I went into that ultrasound sorta hoping for a girl! I came to realize later that it wasn't that I wanted another girl, necessarily, it was the realization that Ezra is no longer a little girl. She's getting big and older and I can't go back and experience any of her squishy cuteness again. (And for some reason 3 boys and 1 girl seems like more kids than 2 boys and 2 girls... Why is that?!)
- - - - - - - - - -
The following 8 weeks have passed by much easier than those first 12. I am still tired, but generally feeling pretty well. I am simultaneously somewhat miserable at the fact that I'm only 20 weeks and pleasantly surprised that I'm already 20 weeks. Oh time... Now I am busying myself with writing shopping lists and to-do lists, trying to get my house and heart ready for this sweet babe. I can't believe we get to have another sweet little babe... Praise the Lord, our God is good!
