Jesus

I'm not one to talk much about Jesus. With you, my family, even Stephen. He'll come up every now and then and I'll give my two cents on the topic, but then it sorta just fades away. Other than the occasional "inspirational" blog posts I got up the guts to share over the last few years, I've always been that way about Jesus. I love Him, but I've just never been one to talk about Him, share my thoughts and feelings. There are three people whom I've actually talked to about Jesus and my faith, like, actually talked with - deep, meaningful, bring out the box of tissues kinda stuff. It's not that I'm ashamed, I've just never known what to say. I love hearing people talk about Jesus in their every day lives and conversations. To be that confident in their relationship with Him... Wow. I feel undeserving and silly talking about Him in my own head! Again, not because I'm ashamed, but because I feel like I don't know Him well enough to talk about him. It's like we're friends, but not best friends.

But what if I want to be best friends. I mean, I hear He's a pretty great guy! I know He's a pretty great guy! I've seen what He's done in other people's lives, I've seen how happy and fulfilled these people are... What if I want that, too? And I have it, sort of. I've done my research and my praying and know God to be true. I've had my "God moments" and I've been dunked in the water and professed my love... But God is missing from my whole life, from my heart. He visits, but He does not reside there. He is my friend, but not my best friend.

When I look at my friendships I can see my struggle with God. I have friends whom I adore, we really get along and I love spending time with them. I would love to be better friends with them, but have no idea how to get there. I look at my relationships with my best friends and know that there is no one point, one moment, that I can say that is where and how we became best friends, that is what I need to do to transform my relationship with these other friends. It was a slow process.

And when considering venturing into a slow process of becoming better friends with Jesus... Well it's rather daunting. This isn't just any 'ol friend! This is JESUS! The process of really getting to know Him, really getting to know yourself, and letting Him further into your life and heart... It's going to be hard and painful and it's going to take a lot of time and patience and determination and passion. It's not something to be taken light hearted. Yes, it will be wonderful! Yes, it will be amazing and fulfilling and the best decision you will ever make! ...But it doesn't make the decision to start any easier. At least not for me.

I have known since I accepted Jesus into my life, that my life wouldn't, couldn't, change unless I accepted Him fully into my heart. I've wanted to, and even made a few feeble prayers inviting Him in, but I didn't really know where to start, or how to start. Nor did I know if I really needed to start. I knew inviting Jesus further in could only enrich my life, but I had it pretty good! I was newly married with two amazing families, great friends, at the start of an incredible adventure... Did it really need to get better?

When the "newness" of it all started to wear off, I was left with a longing, an aching in my heart. I think I knew what it really was, but wasn't ready to accept it or travel down that road. Instead, I convinced myself that that hole would be filled when I started my new job and made more money and worked more hours and made new friends... And it did, for awhile. But then it came back, that ache. Ahh but we're moving soon and have so much to look forward to in a new city! Surely, that would fill my hole. We had an amazing summer and were blessed with a great apartment and loved living in Seattle, but after awhile, it started to ache again. And then we had Uriah... And surely the love I feel for this baby could fill any hole?! And Uriah has filled a hole in my heart. A different hole, though. A hole that I believe God put there to be filled by Uriah. I believe He put the desire to be a mother in my heart and I don't think that that hole could be filled by God because that wasn't it's purpose. But he is 6 months old now and loved and cherished more than I ever thought I could... and it's back, that aching. The move to Boise put the pain off for awhile, but against my hoping, it hasn't changed anything. It hasn't fixed it.

I've known all along the only thing that can fix it, but I've been ignoring that, trying to find something else that will fill that hole so I don't have to deal with it. "Deal with it?" What an awful way to describe interacting with and getting closer to God. But that's how I've seen it. Something I have to do. Something that is going to take up time and test my patience. Something that is going to take all of me and interfere in my day to day life and relationships, in a good way!, but still... I know inviting Jesus further in can only make my life better, but I've always seen it as so much work. And even in the moments where I convince myself it will be worth it and amazing, I lose drive when I realize I have no idea where to start. Hmm, pick up my bible or grab a cookie and watch an episode of Friends? The latter always wins. And I always feel guilty for it, but seriously, where do you start?!

Somewhere. That's where you start. So, this is my somewhere. I know what I want to do, need to do. And I know what it will require of me. I have no new job, we're not moving for two years, there is no baby on the way, I have no more excuses. I have struggled internally with this for two years. But this does not have to be, nor should it be, an internal battle. I have an incredible husband and am amazing support team in my friends and family - not expressing my feelings, struggles and desires about my relationship with God is only making this harder for me. I really feel that with God's presence stronger in my life, I will be able to be a better mother, wife, me. Living a Christ centered life will fill this hole in my heart and bring purpose into my every day tasks. Yes, including changing diapers and cleaning spit up and doing the dishes for the umpteenth time. I will be doing things with Christ, for Christ.

This is a hard and embarrassing truth to share, but I want this to serve as my proclamation - my desire and pursuit of inviting God wholly into my heart and my life. I've known this is a journey I've needed to start for a long time, but outside the corners of my mind, I've never really admitted that to myself or gave it enough attention to truly consider starting it. So I have no idea what I'm doing or how I'm doing it, but I'm doing it. This is my start. And that's something, right?