about the last nine months...

My baby is now four weeks old and I am writing my second pregnancy blog post... Something's not right here. 

I very quickly got very behind on this blog, but wanted these memories preserved to look back on, as I've loved doing with my other pregnancies. 

Weeks 13-22 were my sweet spot with this pregnancy. I was over the sickness, over the bleeding but still not in pain. I was tired, but I was pregnant with three kids so that didn't change the entire pregnancy ;) Around that 23rd week mark, though, the pain started. First in my sciatic, and then in my pelvis. All typical and normal pregnancy pains, but ones I wasn't expecting to feel so early on. I remember dealing with SPD symptoms with Judah, but not until about week 32 - I couldn't imagine dealing with these symptoms for 17 weeks...?! 

The pain slowly got worse, week by week. It hurt to sit for too long, stand for too long. It hurt to get dressed, get out of the car, move in bed, sit down, stand up, carry heavy loads, push a cart or stroller, walk, climb stairs... everything I did caused pain - sharp shooting pains. It was debilitating. I often started and ended my day in tears. Some days were better than others, and eventually I learned what I could and could not do and became better at managing and expecting it, but the pain was still there, always. 

I remember saying to Stephen on more than one occasion, that this babe had to be our last because I couldn't physically do it again. Knowing that each pregnancy has been harder on my body, I couldn't imagine what another one would be like. I was miserable most of the time and felt incapable of making it to the end of the pregnancy (let alone the end of the day!) While we had been saying from the beginning "fourth and final", I didn't like my body making that choice for me - I wanted to make that decision because it felt right, complete, not because my body physically wasn't up to the challenge (and at 29...what a joke!) 

Around week 32 it finally eased up. Well, maybe it didn't ease up, but it stopped progressing and I had gotten used to it at that point, so things became much more manageable. Praise God! 

Not that time ever speeds for me while I'm pregnant, but hitting that 32 week mark and finally feeling some relief from the pain was like slamming on the brakes. I didn't have the pain to focus on, just the days on the calendar to count down. Our friends at church started to have their babies (I was the fifth and last one due in the lineup) and seeing them welcome their new little ones made me all the more excited for my own and envious that they were already at the finish line. 

Around 36 weeks I experienced a day of odd fetal movement. I say odd because he was still moving, but everything about it felt different. He was moving slower and less and with no other way to describe it, it just felt different. I let it go on for a day and a half before I finally gave in to Stephen's suggestions to call and/or go in. After 20 minutes on the monitor we knew all was well - his heart rate was normal and there was nothing consistent to my contractions. Before they let me go they did a standard ultrasound to check fluid levels and during, they discovered mine were low - the culprit to his movements feeling different. This lead to a week and a half of more monitoring, as I had to have three good fluid level readings before they would deem all was well and let me stop coming in. And, all was well. In the end, though my fluid levels were on the verge of low, I think the problem with getting a good reading on the ultrasound was from my long umbilical cord - every time they thought they found a good pocket of fluid to measure, it ended up being covered by the cord and they couldn't see anything else. By that time I had reached 37 weeks and there was no harm in him being born too early, so I continued to pay attention to his movements, but started to trust that he was in fact healthy and would let me know when he was ready to come :) 

Overall, this pregnancy was physically my hardest, and I don't think I'll soon forget it. The end result is worth it, 100 times over, but the last nine months definitely took their toll. Positive things I'll always remember from my fourth (and final?!) pregnancy though, are first and foremost his crazy movements. Like, crazy! I've never had a baby in utero move so much or so wildly! Always showing off on my left side, and always from 6-7am and 9-10pm - he liked waking up and going to bed with me ;) I'll never forget Judah calling him "baby Amy", patting my boob asking "baby?" (thinking I was having triplets?!) or pulling up his own shirt to show me his baby. Watching the big kids grow in excitement as my belly did was also a favorite part of this pregnancy. Having two older kids who understood what was going on was a lot of fun! Knowing this pregnancy was going to be my last made it exceptionally bitter sweet. I wanted so badly for it to be perfect, all of it - go out on a high note, I guess. I wanted to cherish it and relish it and experience the true wonder and beauty of it all, because maybe I wouldn't be doing it again... It was hard to do so while in so much pain, and I felt sad that I wasn't enjoying it as much as I wanted to. I also felt guilty for complaining so much about a pregnancy I know others would give anything for... Lots of mixed emotions to say the least, but even if I didn't enjoy every moment of it, I was more aware of the gift I was being given. Knowing this was the last time I got to do this didn't make it easy, but it made is sweet, and I'm just so thankful.